


Flashback

by FBGM



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 16:13:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17103845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FBGM/pseuds/FBGM
Summary: Jeremy gets flashbacks from when he was squipped.





	Flashback

     Jeremy raced into Michael’s kitchen and started grabbing bags of chips and piling them on the table. Michael had just bought the newest bloodiest video game and they were preparing to play it for hours on end until they beat it. He opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of mountain dew red, it had become a favorite drink of theirs as of late.

     “Jeremy!” Michael’s voice called from the basement. “Are you coming?”

     Jeremy’s head pounded.

     He was standing in the hallway at school, the same question ringing in his ears.

     Michael was standing in front of him, the hope draining from his face as he looked at Jeremy. He looked so sad.

_Yes._ He wanted to say. _Of course, I’m coming._ He opened his mouth and a voice that sounded an awful lot like his said, “Optic nerve blocking on.”

     Michael faded into nothing.

     “Michael!” He heard himself scream.

     “Jeremy!” He was being grabbed by the shoulders. “Hey! Are you alright?”

     Jeremy blinked. He was standing in the kitchen, mountain dew bottles abandoned on the floor. He was sweating and shaking, and Michael’s face was laced with concern. Jeremy thought his friend looked far too sympathetic after the flashback he just had.

     This is why he could never tell Michael how he felt. He could never forgive himself for what happened. And Michael shouldn’t either.

     “Yeah.” He stooped down to grab the drinks. “Yeah I’m fine. Sorry.”

      Michael was very clearly unconvinced, but he nodded and helped Jeremy carry the snacks to the basement.

     Once the game started the memory was shoved out of Jeremy’s mind as he was focused on not being exploded. And failing. The basement was filled with the whoops and cries of the boys. They cheered when they beat a level and groaned when they died.

     “Boys!” A voice from upstairs called. “I’m going to bed. Keep it down.”

     “Okay mom.” Michael didn’t take his eyes off the screen.

     A few minutes later they both died in an explosion of blood and yelled in frustration.

     “Michael Mell!” His mother’s voice warned from two stories above them.

     “Maybe we should finish tomorrow.” Michael laughed, quitting the game and turning the TV on instead. He grabbed a bag of chips and settled onto the couch next the Jeremy.

     It was quiet for a few minutes while they watched a rerun of some show that they’d seen a million times.

     “What were you remembering?” Michael whispered. “In the kitchen.”

     “What?” Jeremy didn’t look at him.

     “You always make that face when you’re remembering stuff from… before.” He shifted so he was facing Jeremy fully. “I’ve never seen you that bad before.”

     “I wasn’t-“

     “Jeremy.”

     Michael was right. Jeremy had experienced the blackouts before. Never this bad though. Usually it just felt like he was spacing out, someone would snap their fingers or wave their hand in front of his face and he’d be fine. He didn’t know Michael knew what they were.

     “Do you remember when you first figured out the squip worked?” He didn’t say, _you remember when I made a conscious choice to block you from my field of vision and never speak to you again because I wanted people to think I was cool?_ He didn’t have to. Michael nodded. “It was that.”

     “It was my wording wasn’t it? When I asked if you were coming down?”

     Jeremy nodded.

     “Yeah.” Michael laughed stiffly. “Funny thing is I was remembering that too right after I said it.”

     Jeremy felt his eyes stinging. As bad as it was for him to relive that moment he couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Michael.

     “How can you forgive me?” He felt the tears spill over. “How can you even look at me?”

     “Because,” Michael said simply, brushing a hand over Jeremy’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “You’re my best friend and I love you and I know you’ll never forgive yourself. But somebody should.”

     Jeremy shook his head.

     “No one should. Especially not you. You should hate me.”

     “Jer,” Michael pulled one of Jeremy’s hands away from his face and held it. “I’ll never hate you. You made a mistake. It wasn’t just you. It was the squip.”

     “No,” Jeremy shook his head again, tears falling faster. “It was off when I said… all that stuff I said.”

     “Doesn’t matter. It was filling your head with weeks of abuse and also could physically control your body. That’s scary. It’s not your fault. Entirely. And the part that is your fault, I forgive you for.”

     Jeremy kept crying.

     “Hey, you know how I know it wasn’t really you?”

     “How?”

     “Because the real Jeremy is sitting in my basement crying about it three months later because he feels guilty.”

     “That doesn’t excuse what I did.”

     “Maybe not. But you also apologized a million times and I _know_ you meant it. So, I forgave you. And you can’t make me unforgive you.”

     “I’m so sorry Michael.”

     “A million and one.” Michael smiled. He tilted Jeremy’s head up until they were face to face. “I forgive you.”

     Jeremy started crying again, his face buried in Michael’s shoulder. Michael rubbed his back and stroked his hair until Jeremy’s breathing got heavy. And then Michael couldn’t bear to move him. So, he shifted just slightly so he could lay down with Jeremy on top of him and fell asleep.

 

     Jeremy stirred first in the morning. His shuffling woke Michael up shortly after.

     “Hey.” Michael sat up, so Jeremy was now sitting between his legs, still leaning into his chest. “Feel okay?”

     “A little.”

     Michael was extremely close. He still looked sleepy and his hair was sticking up at odd angles. All in all, he just looked too beautiful for Jeremy to handle this early in the morning.

     “Anything I can do to make it better?”

     The words sparked a memory in Jeremy’s mind. Not a squip memory, just a normal one. The memory of his first kiss. He laughed in his head. Except apparently not entirely in his head.

     “What’s funny?”

     “Oh.” Jeremy flushed and sat up fully, moving away from Michael. “Uh,”

     Michael looked at him expectantly. Oh well.

     “Do you remember in 8th grade when Rachel Harrison made fun of me because I hadn’t ever kissed anyone?”

     “Yes?” Michael was squinting at him.

     “And I told you about it at your house after school. And you asked if you could do anything to make it better.”

     “Yeah…” Michael was still waiting for the point.

     “That just reminded me. Of that. Just now.”

     “Jer,” Michael scooted closer, closing the space Jeremy had made. “ _Would_ that make you feel better?”

     “I- I just meant- I mean I don’t know-“ Jeremy stuttered. “You don’t have to.”

     “Jeremy.” Michael was so close Jeremy could feel his breath. “Can I?”

     Jeremy couldn’t do anything but nod. Michael kissed him, and Jeremy felt his heart exploding. All the walls he built up to repress his feelings and keep his friendship safe disintegrated.

     “Better?” Michael breathed, his forehead against Jeremy’s.

     “Yes.” Jeremy wanted to kiss him again. And again and again.

     “Good.” Michael leaned back, out of Jeremy’s space, grinning. “My job as a best friend is successful.”

_Best friend. Oh._ Jeremy may have been able to hide his feelings before but now, no way. He was supremely fucked.

     Michael started to set up the game, so they could finish playing.

     “Michael?”

     “Hmm?” Michael didn’t look up.

     Jeremy slid onto the floor next to him and pulled at his arm.

     “Michael.”

     Michael stopped what he was doing at the sight of Jeremy’s face. He sat in front of him.

     “Yes.”

     “I will never forgive myself for what I did to you.”

     “Jer I told you-“

      “Just, let me talk okay?” Michael nodded. “I’ll never forgive myself because you were, and are, the most important person to me. And I fucked up so bad and I hurt you. I gave our friendship up and I almost lost you forever.”

     Michael took Jeremy’s hand but didn’t interrupt.

     “I almost threw away all of this for some girl I was only so obsessed with because she was pretty, and I thought I could use her to save our friendship. It was never Christine.”

     Michael opened his mouth, brow furrowed in confusion but Jeremy kept talking.

     “It was you. You’re the only person who can make me feel better. The only person who I believe forgives me even though I don’t think you should. The only person I trust over the voices in my head. The only person who can make me forget all the bad stuff. You always have been. I cared about you more than anything else in the world Michael. And I was scared of that. Because feelings are messy, and they ruin friendships and I couldn’t lose you. I can’t lose you.”

     Michael was staring at him by that point. His eyes were wide, and Jeremy could practically hear him screaming in his head.

     “And I know you don’t like me-“

     “Excuse me?” Michael regained his ability to speak.

     “What?”

     “Where did you get the idea that I don’t like you?”

     “You’ve just been staring at me!” Jeremy was confused.

     “First of all,” Michael’s sarcasm had returned with his voice. “I was told to listen and not interrupt.”

     “I stopped talking.”

     “And _second_ , _”_ Michael continued as if Jeremy hadn’t spoken. “Dude I didn’t even know this was an option. I thought you were into strictly girls.”

     “I _just_ asked you to kiss me.”

     “Um actually _I_ asked to kiss _you_. How did that not give it away?” Michael was laughing at him now.

     “You said it was your job as my best friend! You no homo’d it!”

     “BEST FRIENDS DON’T MAKE OUT JEREMY! YOU CAN’T NO HOMO A KISS! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK I DIDN’T LIKE YOU? I HAVEN’T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT YOU SINCE THAT KISS WHEN WE WERE 13!”

     “WELL YOU DIDN’T- oh.” Jeremy stopped short, blushing violently.

     “Mhm. So yeah, I like you too. Even though you’re hopelessly oblivious.”

     “So are we like…” Jeremy gestured. “A thing now?”

     “I didn’t hear you ask me.” Michael teased.

     “Michael.” Jeremy groaned.

     “Come on it’s about the gesture. Gestures matter.”

     Jeremy glared.

     “Okay.” Michael held his hands up. “Not funny. Sorry. But come on. Ask me! Pleeeaaassee?”

     “Why do I have to ask? Why don’t you ask me?”

     “Because I think you owe it to me.” Michael fake pouted but Jeremy swore he saw real sadness in his eyes.

     “Fine!” Jeremy pulled Michael’s hood over his face. “Stop making that face. And you have to promise to say yes.”

     Michael laughed, pushing his hood back off, but he promised anyway. Jeremy took his hand and stared intently at it.

     “Michael.”

     “Yes.”

     “Don’t interrupt.”

     “My bad.” Michael rolled his eyes.

     “Michael.” Jeremy started again. “I think you’re amazing. You’re funny and cute and smart. And loyal, even when maybe you shouldn’t be. And you’ve stuck with me through everything. Things normal people would have understandably ditched me for. And I like you a lot. Like, a lot. So,”

    Michael used his free hand to guide Jeremy’s face up to meet his eyes.

     “Michael will you be my boyfriend?”

     “I would love to.” Michael pulled him in and kissed him and Jeremy may have been a bit too excited because they toppled backward until they were laying on the floor. Michael was now pinned between the floor and Jeremy. He had no complaints.

     Jeremy pulled back grinning.

     “Have I improved since 8th grade?”

      “Immensely.” Michael for once didn’t look like he was joking.

     “Really? Huh. Guess I am pretty cool.”

     “On second thought,” Michael grabbed the collar of Jeremy’s shirt. “You could use some more practice.”

     He pulled Jeremy back down and kissed him, so he’d stop saying stupid things. He knew he’d go right back to it when Michael released him. Jeremy would say stupid things until the day he died. Michael guessed he’d just have to be there to shut him up for the rest of his life. It didn’t sound like a bad job.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Follow me on tumblr @ michaelmellonn


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